I'm not doing my magic training anymore (which I mentioned in the March entry, just two months ago). I know, I didn't do it for a long time, but the reason is simple: my life feels like a grind, and any form of training just makes me want to resist it even further.
It doesn't help that for basically all of my life, besides my early years as a child, I have felt like I needed to force myself to go through school, then university, and now work. I think my body is utterly fed up with this dynamic, it's simply not sustainable.
What is then? I don't know, I can't say I'm living very well right now, but I'm also not suffering or going mad or anything. Just spending a whole lot of time in front of a screen, sort of being a zombie. Not very proud of it, but I am genuinely not interested in fighting this for now. Writing and drawing just don't have that spark for me at this point. They're not torturous, but they don't feel like an adventure or something super interesting. They kind of feel like something I "have" to do. And I don't want to turn those activities into another grind. Modern work already gives me plenty of that.
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2024-05-13